[TICKING]
I'm Cory Matthews.
Today on "Eyewitness Cory"...
a probing expose of the plight of the middle child.
Stay with us.
CORY: So. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews...
where are we taking youngest chiLd Morgan today?
Hey, Cor, we're going to Stephanie's birthday party.
Doesn't your sister look adorable?
Get a close-up of her new dress.
CORY: Excuse me. ma'am. did you say new dress?
And is the baby of the family wearing a goLd necklace?
My mommy gave it to me.
Lent it to you.
Party. necklace. new dress...
aLL for your daughter. yet just Last night...
your son was imprisoned in his room...
forbidden to go to the movies with his best friends.
Our daughter didn't dial random numbers...
in Saskatchewan just to hear people talk Canadian.
Say good-bye to your poor, exploited brother, sweetie.
Bye. Sorry everybody hates you.
Finally. the naked truth emerges.
Hey, Cor, do me a favor.
No phone calls, no Home Shopping Network...
and be careful with my video camera.
Have fun.
[CORY GRUNTING]
There you have it.
All across America, middle children suffering...
at the hands of suspicious, mistrustful parents.
Aah! [CRASH]
Next week... Grounded. and how to cope with it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Taxation Without representation.
King George.
We provide the colonists...
with all their finished manufactured goods.
We deserve remuneration.
General Washington.
Fine. Keep your goods.
Like we need your stinking British goods.
We're American. We're independent.
We'll get our goods from Japan.
[LAUGHING]
General, I'm dying for you to elaborate.
What's the point, Mr. Feeny?
We all know we kicked British butt.
Winners and losers aside, General.
If we do not understand history...
we are doomed to repeat its mistakes.
Oh, who cares about George Washington?
Who cares about King George?
Was every boring guy in history named George?
I meant, every dead boring guy.
Apparently, the past holds no fascination for you.
No. It's happened. It's done.
- It's history. - I'm saying.
Perhaps we should study your history, Mr. Matthews.
I have no history, Mr. Feeny. I'm eleven.
I'm more interested in my future.
Oh, well, then it might be more interesting...
for us to look into our futures...
to see if we can avoid our mistakes...
before they happen.
I smell an assignment.
I swear, I didn't see it coming.
The assignment for all of you...
is to create personal histories for yourselves...
as if you were returning for your 20th high school reunion.
More like a preunion.
Well said, Mr. Minkus.
You are the graduating class of the year 2000.
What is your profession?
Do you have children?
Are those children tormenting their sixth-grade teacher?
Mr. Feeny, would it be oK if I brought my wife?
Oh, come on, Minkus, what's going to marry you?
Topanga.
CLASS: ooh!
Why, Stuart, I'm flattered that you would consider me...
as a potential life mate, but I'm not sure...
I even recognize the institution of marriage.
Trust me, babe, I've seen the future...
and it's me.
You're going to show up as a tire salesman?
- That's what my dad does. - So?
I knowWhat to Wear.
I know how to use a pressure gauge.
I can spot a retread from a mile away.
Shawn, you're so boring.
And lazy.
How about you, Larry?
- I got an angle. - Let's hear it.
I'm going to be a sixth-grade teacher.
Better yet, I'm going to be Feeny.
Why?
Imitation is the sincerest form of butt-kissing.
Wait a minute.
Weren't we supposed to be what we wanted to be?
I mean, you're going to grow up to be your dad...
and you're going to grow up to be a Feeny clone.
Am I the only one left here with some vision?
What are you going to go as?
Cory Matthews...
center fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies.
BOTH: Ha ha ha!
What are you laughing at?
You had 31 errors in Little League last season.
OK, so I didn't play up to my enormous potential.
Come on, guys, let's be what we really want to be.
Are we going to be men...
or are we going to be men with boring jobs?
We're going to be men!
[BARKING]
OK, here's a picture of you I'm willing to part with...
for you to put on your baseball card.
Boy, Feeny'll be blown away...
by this future I'm putting together.
Let's see, when you have your 20th high school reunion...
I'll be...44.
Mom, how can that be possible? You're already...
It's possible. It's not only possible...
it's the way it's going to be.
Look, Mommy.
That's very pretty, sweetheart.
Where did that come from?
I traded your necklace.
Morgan, that was a gold necklace...
and this one is plastic. Can't you see the difference?
Yes. This one is pretty.
Who did you make this trade with?
Stephanie.
Honey, I'm going to have to call Stephanie's mom...
and untrade this trade.
But we said, "Black, black, no trades back."
Hello, Jane? Hi, it's Amy Matthews.
Look, our daughters did a silly little trade yesterday...
so I'm sure you'll understand...
I'll be needing my necklace back.
What do you mean, "Black, black, no trades back"?
MINKUS: Then after my Leveraged buyout of Microsoft...
I Went public and became...
the largest software manufacturer in the free world.
Mr. Minkus, taking over a company is no simple task.
It requires proof of assets...
bank guarantees, countless applications.
Mr. Feeny, who do you think you're dealing with?
A list of my creditors, my loan guarantees...
and my approval by the Federal Trade Commission.
An "A", Mr. Minkus, for a very well thought out future.
Thank you, Mr. Feeny, and on the personal front...
my lovely wife Topanga and I just celebrated the birth...
of our third child, Rainbow Einstein Minkus.
A tire salesman.
I can't believe you came as a tire salesman.
And muffler specialist.
What's with the big gut?
My dad's fat, my uncle's fat, my grandpa's fat.
Let's face it, Cor, I'm going to be fat.
President of the United States.
Very ambitious, Miss Lawrence.
Yes and no. Not many people want the job anymore.
Oh, why is that?
Well, now that I've disbanded the military...
and eliminated nuclear weapons...
the position is not as seductive.
I see. That's rather an unusual costume...
for a president, isn't it?
We all wear togas now.
It removes the hostile competition...
that fashion often creates.
This world of yours seems like...
quite a peaceful and loving place.
Yes, especially since we moved all men underground...
and use them just for breeding.
Well, a few moments ago, Mr. Minkus mentioned...
that you were his lovely wife.
Stuart and I obviously do not see...
eye-to-eye on our futures.
- We're married. - You're breeding stock.
I'll take it.
Can I help you, Mr. Williams?
I've come back to the reunion as a beloved teacher...
not unlike yourself, sir.
Oh, how flattering.
You're following in my footsteps...
and, look, you've dressed just like me.
Come over here, you little suck up.
Every year someone tries to avoid the assignment...
with this transparent little ruse.
I didn't mean to be ruse.
Can you tell me the meaning of the word "tenure"?
I can look it up.
- Can you define curriculum? - I can look it up.
Just as I thought. You're no teacher.
You're nothing more than a poseur.
Go look it up.
Ready for me?
Yes, I'm ready, Mr. Matthews.
All right.
Center fielder for the Phillies.
Most impressive.
Yeah, my fans seem to think so.
Then you're quite well-known?
Breakfast of me.
How's it feel to be in the presence of a legend?
Well, legends are not born overnight.
You must've been playing for quite a while.
Oh, ever since the 11th grade.
You didn't graduate high school?
High school's kind of a joke...
when you're pulling down six mil a year.
Six million?
Hurts, doesn't it?
Well, adjusted for inflation...
that's a paltry sum compared to even...
the average ballplayer's salary today.
- But I've got investments. - Such as?
You know, investments. Buildings.
Buildings with floors and people in them doing stuff.
I'm diversified.
And do you handle these investments yourself?
No. My guys do that stuff.
Oh, you've got guys?
Lots of guys. They're in my buildings.
And what percentage of your salary...
do they charge for their services?
Mr. Feeny, you're dragging me down.
Can't we discuss, like, my batting average?
You're floundering, Mr. Matthews.
No. I thought this through.
Look, I even made up my own baseball card.
Yet you have no clue...
as to how your affairs will be managed...
no education to help you get a clue...
and no marketable skills...
after your ball-playing days are over.
But I've got guys.
Well, Mr. Matthews...
you've made an attempt at this assignment.
You just didn't think it all the way through.
And until you do, I'm going to give you an incomplete.
- An incomplete? - Mm-hmm.
That's an "I".
That's lower than an "F".
That's down there by "M".
You can't do this.
Why not?
'Cause it's not like you're giving me...
an incomplete on some dinky quiz.
You threw me out before I even got to first base.
You took away my future.
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I'll miss you, Jim, but you should be...
on the wall of a kid with a future.
What are you doing?
There's nothing out there for me, Eric.
That's great, Cor, but I'm trying to read here, oK?
What's the point?
This is the point.
In three years, I could save up enough...
to get one of these vintage Mustangs...
and fill it with cheerleaders. Ha ha!
Yeah? How're you gonna pay for the insurance?
What? I don't know. Maybe Dad'll help me.
What if Dad can't afford to help you, Eric?
I don't know. Maybe I'll get another part-time job.
Work two jobs and go to school.
Oh, Eric, Eric, Eric.
You're nothing but a poseur.
Poseur, huh? Really?
What do you think of this pose?
Hey, guys, you ready for dinner?
No, but I'll do anything to get away from Captain Bummer.
Your mom told me about the assignment.
It wasn't just an assignment, Dad.
It was my future.
I got an incomplete.
I have an incomplete future.
Of course you have an incomplete future.
The future's always incomplete.
When it's complete, people tend to call it the past.
Mine was supposed to be all planned out.
I thought you wanted to be a baseball player?
I do, but that's not enough for Feeny the Dream Crusher.
I don't care what George Feeny says.
You can do anything you put your mind to, Cory, anything.
Maybe I'll give these to Morgan.
She can color in Jim Abbott's uniform.
Dad, when you were a kid...
did someone tell you that you'd never make it...
to being the manager of a supermarket?
Well, that wasn't exactly what I dreamed of being.
It's not? But it's such a cool job.
I wanted to build bridges...
big ones, like the Ben Franklin.
Then how come you gave that up?
I don't know.
Sometimes, as you get older, your dreams change.
After a while, I dreamed of having a wife and a family...
and that came true.
You know what I dream of being now?
What?
I dream of being the father of a Phillies center fielder.
Dad, there's another dream you can kiss good-bye.
Hey, not so fast.
I don't give up that easy.
I still think my kid's going to play in the majors.
I used to dream like that, Dad...
but now I know that sooner or later...
every dream comes to an end and you got to wake up.
Hello, Jane.
Hi, Stephanie, it's nice to see you again.
Where's Morgan?
- In the kitchen. - Go ahead, sweetheart.
I'm glad our little disagreement...
didn't prevent the kids from playing together.
Well, that would be selfish.
Would you like some coffee?
You are not getting the necklace back.
Now, don't misunderstand.
It's not the value of it...
it's Stephanie's attachment to it.
Oh, I'm sure I do understand...
and I had no intention of asking for it.
In that case, I'll have some coffee.
- Ha ha ha! - oK.
Wow, you have neat stuff.
Yes. Here we have my mommy's double chocolate brownies.
Ooh, brownies!
Not so fast.
And here we have a diamond crown.
Ooh, diamonds.
Hold your horses.
And speaking of horses...
My Little Pony.
So, do you work?
Oh, no, I don't have to.
My husband's a very successful attorney.
Ahh. So that's where little Stephanie...
gets her flair for negotiations.
Mommy, look, diamonds!
Stephanie, where's your dress...
and your hat and your necklace?
I traded them.
My dress, my hat, my necklace.
You traded them for a plastic tiara?
And a brownie.
And a little pink pony.
No. I had to give her something else for the pony.
What?
I'll be needing the keys to your car.
Don't misunderstand. It's not the value of the car...
it's Morgan's attachment to it.
Look, I'm telling you, she was doing the kissing.
I... I was like an innocent bystander.
Yes, I could've walked away...
but she had me pinned up against the lockers. I mean...
- But... - Call her back later.
Are you crazy? I didn't even know who that was.
Shawn, call everyone and get over to my house now.
Jim Abbott's in my kitchen.
Ha ha ha! Jim Abbott? Are you out of your mind?
No, I'm totally in my mind.
Yeah, one of the best pitchers in Major League Baseball...
is in our house. Ha ha ha!
Guys, somebody here I'd like you to meet.
Cory, Eric.
Wouldn't you like to meet Jim Abbott?
I guess not.
BOTH: Aah!
- Hi, guys. - Hi.
How are you doing? You must be Cory.
I'm whoever you want me to be.
Your dad's told me a lot about you.
He has? But how did he...
How did Dad... Why are you in my house?
Cory, don't bug the man with a lot of little-boy questions.
So, Jim, why are you in our house?
Well, I heard that Cory here...
wants to be in the big leagues someday.
Who, me? Nah, stupid idea.
I gave up on that.
Guys like me don't make it to the majors.
Well, there's a guy I know who has a son...
who always dreamed of playing in the major leagues...
until a certain teacher told him...
that maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
This sounds familiar to me.
Well, it sounded familiar to me, too.
- It did? - Sure.
One time I had a high school coach...
who said I should never play in the major leagues...
and that only made me work 50 times harder.
Really? You ever go back to that coach...
and rub it in his face?
Nah, Jim's too cool to do that, aren't you, Jim?
No, actually, I sent him a videotape of my no-hitter.
Cool. I guess you showed him.
Well, actually, he showed me.
He showed me an application to a place...
called the University of Michigan.
Why'd he do that?
Well, he was smart enough to know...
that if I didn't make it to the major leagues someday...
at least I'd have a major league education.
So you think I can get into the University of Michigan?
I mean, now that I got connections and everything?
I think you'll be all right, Cory.
You got one big thing going for you.
Oh? You heard about how well I bunt?
Well, that and the fact that you've got a great dad...
who lets his kids have big dreams...
and he's also just crazy enough...
to send a total stranger 63 telegrams.
Gee, you only got 63 of them?
You did that for me, Dad?
But how'd you know he'd show up?
I didn't know. But a guy can dream, can't he?
Hey, Jim, you mind signing these for these guys?
Sure.
- Me, too! - I want one, too!
Apparently, I've brought the wrong ball.
Matthews goes back deep.
He's on his horse! He's at the Wall!
That ball is...
Gone.
Come on, Mr. Feeny, please.
You know the rules.
You start respecting my property line...
and I'll start respecting your property.
Yes, sir. Mr. Feeny, I just want you to know...
I made up my mind...
and I'm going to be a baseball player.
Is that so?
Yeah. Because a friend of my dad's...
I don't want to drop any names...
so let's just call him Jim Abbott...
well, Jim and I and my dad had a little talk...
and we straightened out my whole future.
You did?
Yep, I'm going to be in the major leagues...
Mr. Feeny, no matter what you say.
But Jim and my dad... and when I say Jim...
- You mean Jim Abbott. - I'm saying!
Well, they say that maybe I shouldn't turn pro...
until after college.
So you've changed your plans and intend to graduate?
Yeah. 'cause I'm going to make a name for myself...
playing college ball before I turn pro.
Just like Jim did.
Seems like this Abbott fellow...
had his future very well-planned...
and worked hard to get where he is.
You have no idea how hard, Mr. Feeny.
Well, you did better than I expected...
and I guess you deserve something.
Is this your little way of telling me...
you're changing my incomplete to an "A"?
No. This is my little way of saying...
Play ball!
[TELEVISION PLAYING]
Why do women go on these shows?
You see the guy with the ripped jeans and the tight butt?
- Yeah. - That's why.
Does it ever bother you that I never built bridges?
What?
I never became an engineer.
Does it bother you?
Once in a while.
You think you married a failure?
You've got a really good job where people respect you.
You have three beautiful children...
who are fast asleep in their little beds...
and you have a wife...
who has absolutely nothing to do...
for the next half hour.
So what are you saying, hmm?
Mom, Dad.
CouLd you do something interesting?
This kissing stuff...
is not going to hoLd my audience's attention.
It was holding my attention until the news crew showed up.
Come on. guys. This is television.
How about a little action?
Oh, oK. You want action? How about a chase scene?
- Give me that camera! - Cut!
- Give me the camera! - Cut, cut!
- Give me the camera. - Cut! Cut!
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